Tuesday, November 07, 2006

Are you an unhappy person? I mean repeatedly, or even periodically, unhappy? I am. I have this thing going on and on with depression. It really feeds on me. My folks say it’s because of jeans. No wait a minute, that didn't sound right. Oh yea, well it was genes they rightly said. And I think that has a lot to do with the way why I feel miserable. It happens even in good times. And I don't mean general unhappiness, which can be pinpointed, rationally thought about and shot down like it happens in the draw scenes in the Wild Wild West movies.
Few months back, I did a pretty big story for our Metro pages on the high rise of suicide cases. I had to pose sometimes as a phoney suicide attempter, calling these so-called help line numbers. Some were very fucked up and rigid and, even if I weren’t such a case, I would have still killed myself trying to communicate with them. But the one's I didn't pose as one, there was one consultant on the phone that gave me all the quotes I needed and in the end. Threw a few harmless questions, more like he was interviewing me. I answered, almost as though I was getting used to being questioned. One story before that I was doing on Drug Rehabs in Delhi, and there I was posing as a junky.
In the end of the conversation, he felt that I did have a suicide intention buried in the layers of my conscience. But for him, almost everyone does. Its only the limit of this intention that varies from people to people.
Anyway, so I am an extremely unhappy person from time to time. This often spurts to me being very reclusive and keeps me aloof.
Every time I hear something about myself, I am often filled with trepidation whether what I'm going to hear about myself will be harming in any sense. And then, any criticism rubs bad on me. I am not even like my Old Man, who always appears to be nonchalant when he hears criticism, when he sits in his bookshop -- it’s the best in Delhi -- and I respect him for that.
He sulks, but sometimes. I often sulk, but deep down I always seem to be brooding. My day can be even fucked up with a small headache while getting up in the mornings. Its kinda sad scene, you know.There's one respite and that's reading. But I get upset knowing that I haven't read enough. Sometimes I just imagine things. Beautiful things. Sweeter things. More like a Marquez land that I slip into. That's a really cool place to be. The women, the legends, and the sheer humaness in its fantasy – its really cool.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

unhappiness and loneliness is every man's (and woman's) bane jerry. happens to the best of us!

3:26 PM, November 07, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i agree with what serendipity says. when i feel very low, i either divert my thots and attention to something else or keep aside for my self-pity session. i get bored of being sad and feeling sad so undoubtebaly, i am back to being happy in no time.

3:48 PM, November 08, 2006  
Blogger moonstruck maniac said...

moonstruck as always....

9:17 PM, November 08, 2006  
Blogger Zaphod said...

nothing wrong in being depressed from time to time..if i am upset about something, I like to wallow in it (no, n ot the kind that invites sympathy or pity from others) but more the kind that throws into sharp relief the happier times...guess you gotta be really sad to be really happy...

5:03 PM, November 09, 2006  
Blogger jerry said...

serendipity: thank you. was wondering why the woman went into a bracket.

mizfit: i shall try that sometime. although my depression feeds from one tiny thought to another. it never tires. but yes, it fizzles with time.

zaphod: i think i relate with you the best. i try the same method, i wouldn't say I'm happy but i'm complacent.

5:29 PM, November 09, 2006  
Blogger Zaphod said...

when you get tired of being tired,that's when you give yourself the swift mental kick you need to snap out of it...by you I mean me

10:21 PM, November 09, 2006  
Blogger Y? said...

I know what you mean. exactly

10:41 PM, November 09, 2006  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

we're all unhappy from time to time. it's also an age thing, at your age i routinely enjoyed marinating in my misery. dunno why but somehow at 19-20 it's just cooler to be angry and glum. now at 23, (oh how the years have passed!) i feel too old to waste time being unhappy.

2:44 PM, November 10, 2006  

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