Tuesday, February 06, 2007

To be honest with you, getting old worries me. On March stupid 7 I will be 21. Will soon be stepping out of college I had never attended. Now I know you sweet folks have done that and you might be tch-tching as you read this. But for me its quite worrying as I write this to you. The past 3 years have gone by quite quickly. But when I think of certain dates it reminds of endless hours. I wouldn't say they were too hard; but they weren't too easy as well.
Being the youngest in office wasn't easy. I had many frowning upon me thinking how long will this kid actually last here. All quite humbly believing that it will take a couple of months to get rid of me, but I sort of stuck around. I quite liked it actually. Being all that 30 when you're 20, smoking cigarettes and sipping sweet tea with them, talking all that Kafka to Stones. It's given a lot, I confess, sometimes wonder what I could've done with all that. Many assume amongst my age-lot that I've been fortunate. I can't for the life of me say I have not. I lucked out with time. I swear I've had hard times as well, its not easy to sustain all that pressure they overfeed you with a spoon that turns your intestines. But despite all that gray, black and white dressing, I realise that getting older is more about shaving twice as more often or appearing intelligent to lot that have read thrice as more with time.
Its pretty cool to see, over the years, older kids come knocking around the doors hoping to make a career out of print. I never even thought of it this way, I just put my head down and counted the tiles not wondering too much. It went pretty hunky-dory to guide and teach a few lessons, all that advice shit and see how they go over the drill that I learnt at 18. I can't boast that I learnt all those remarkable too fast. It took its own sweet time. I still find tears left in my eyes when I see that my stories hacked next mornings. After all they used to do that then as well, but I thought I had gotten a lot better. But that you really can't help, I suppose till you're an ed. There are still good and bad weeks. What happens if I lose it all?
I suppose the fears are concerning hopes and dreams that pile up, one peak there and you find 30 darn more one's to climb. It never seems to rest.
Now I'll have to start applying soon, as soon as college studying finishes. Wonder will I be able to pull it off, this work in the new impending age; or was it just enough remarkable that I could sustain all this then. Its a bit intimidating at the thought of it. The older you get the responsibilities pile up like shit man. Now since its a duty thing, you don't want to be a loser to run away from them.
And I thought getting older was cooler. That's a fucking paradox.

16 Comments:

Blogger Ricercar said...

lol. yes. old age scares me too!
32!!! I never thought I would be thirty f two!

5:36 AM, February 06, 2007  
Blogger Raindrop said...

21? Aww you little baby!:)

10:04 AM, February 06, 2007  
Blogger serendipity said...

ageing is like a double edged sword. enough said.

3:16 PM, February 06, 2007  
Blogger LostLittleGirl said...

Darling...have some shame. Now THIS is why I never call you.

8:00 PM, February 06, 2007  
Blogger lemonade said...

And I thought getting older was cooler. That's a fucking paradox.

you couldn't have said it better..!!M turning 18 on the 5th of march and even though m supposed to be all "super cool man..i can finally drive!!",its actually kinda freaking me out..!! i mean im gonna be 18...the big one.eight..m not a kid anymore..and that totally scares me..!!

awesome blog by the way..m a first time reader :)

8:10 PM, February 06, 2007  
Blogger Steamroller said...

19 goin on 20...worried as hell ;)

8:30 PM, February 06, 2007  
Blogger simmi said...

hmm, I feel ancient after reading this. I only considered my age after having my son. It changed me in so many ways. I was 27, but could pass for a schoolkid. actually when I was pregnant these people came up to me giving me flyers about teenage pregnancies. getting old sucks in some ways. the gravity, growing responsibilities, greying hair, slowing metabolism, rinkles, societies imposing grip on ur life, time running out etc. but then again I dont consider my self an adult in the usual sense of the word. Dont think I could ever grow up fully.

i still have growing pains.

Nice profile pic. is it u?

grande love from the old girl

1:18 AM, February 07, 2007  
Blogger simmi said...

think im 17 going onto 102

1:20 AM, February 07, 2007  
Blogger Shiven said...

I am a sophomore. Feel like I have to shoulder responsibility (what was that again?) yet feel like jumping up and down like a bum! Dunno, man. Why do they say adoloscence is confusion-age? Try 20.

2:55 AM, February 07, 2007  
Blogger jerry said...

ricercar: Just the thought of it seems so. I guess its really fine.

raindrop: Damn, damn! :) Don't say that!

serendipity: True!

diamond: That's your own reason now. When was it ever a case of shame. Happy birthday.

lemonade: Thanks dude. Its not that bad man actually. Sometimes it sinks in your head makes you wonder. Its also pretty cool sometimes.

streamroller: Roll for it man, it ain't that bad. It sometimes feel like it though. ;)

simmi: Aww, you musn't! You're very pretty as well. I guess its something that comes, and will always come. Guess will live with it. Yep, the pic is me. I thought I might as well put it up here. And you are 17, its all that matters.

shiven: Damn what can I say. I guess they're always out to there to get you feeling sorry. Maybe it aint man, but maybe it is -- 20 makes you awkwardly walk a line.

1:18 PM, February 07, 2007  
Blogger jerry said...

lemon: Sorry sweetheart for the 'dude' bit, just went through your wonderful bog. cheers!

11:16 PM, February 07, 2007  
Blogger Roselyn said...

so where in delhi do you live?
Let me know. Im from JNU. English Literature Freak, Desperate Writer with wanderlustingfeet.

wanderlustingfeet.wordpress.com

4:45 PM, February 08, 2007  
Blogger Roselyn said...

that just sounds so far away :-)

yes, Im on orkut- My profile is called "Deliberately Obscure"

5:02 PM, February 08, 2007  
Blogger trussed-bull-on-rickshaw said...

- It sounds like a self obituary, as if the jejune and fragile you is doomed to die, and a more versed and accomplished is tearing to burgeon.
Even I’ve written lots of self-obituaries in different phases of life, but never actually got the chance to kill the old self. I think I never had the strength, albeit, I did made few of my characteristics defunct. Don’t know whether it was for good or for worse…

-Your post (feb13’Th one) was very poetic, it made your feelings quite tangible and palpable to the reader. Enjoyed it!
Delhi doesn’t have an inherent character when it comes to listening to blues or jazz. Yes, we do have some elitist-hippies trying to act uber-cool, but they have miles to go before they emulate the vibrancy and the energy which Mumbai(-tes) emit(s).

- Leonard Cohen has a very nostalgic voice and writes awesome lyrics, cathartic to say the least. I don’t know why I always relate his voice/songs with cooking and wine (red).My fav. song of him happens to be the duet with Jennifer Warren – “Joan of arc”

6:04 AM, February 09, 2007  
Blogger Devilled said...

Umm get a grip! You're twenty fucking one!! I'm ...gulp...twenty fucking six.

6:04 PM, February 10, 2007  
Blogger jerry said...

trussed: Thanks, I really thought of reply to your comments. I suppose I leave it to that. Obituaries, or epitaph, I suppose we all choose to go with it our way. Cheers!

deviled: Guess it doesn't matter, really. I think its how you feel...and I shouldnt crib much now :)

1:23 AM, February 11, 2007  

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